How to Make a Herb-Infused Coconut Oil Salve

Earlier this Summer I was wondering to myself, “Gee I wonder if all that liquid coconut oil (in the 38 degree Kelowna heat) would take up some of the fragrant and ameliorative properties of say, cloves.” I LOVE the smell of cloves, so much so that I’ve put clove oil it in one of my pots of cocoa butter and now don’t I just smell like the sexiest cookie in town.

That being said, I don’t actually want to be a cookie, because then I’d have something in common with these sorry-ass preppy kids. (Something about looking at other people’s dumb faces while they parade in the lamest interpretation of the utterly wanton lust and co-dependence that is the relationship between Cookie Monster and any and every sexy cookie he sees turns me into a whoop-right bitch.  Just me?)

That being said, I don’t actually want to be a cookie, because then I’d have something in common with these sorry-ass preppy kids. Something about looking at other peoples dumb faces while they parade around in the lamest interpretation of the utterly wanton lust and co-dependence that is the relationship between Cookie Monster and any and every sexy cookie he sees turns me into a whoop-right bitch.  Just me?

Yeah that inital cookie comment was just like a matador or something.

SIDETRACKED: Then I found this recipe.

I’ve read that essential oil of cloves can be diluted in a carrier oil form to be used externally to help alleviate muscular aches and sprains. Mom-butts (she loves it when I call her that) also found some wild lavender while she was out conjuring up the gifts of nature or whatever, and we all know that lavender is good for everything.

I also really love black pepper in massage oils, so I threw that in too.  Apparently it has anti-spasmodic effects as well.

So I wound up basically making this calming muscle rub, and if you look here at the first link, you’ll see that the finished product appears to be green. Mine turned out brown but it was a nice light colour, not unlike dandelion or Manuka honey. I intended to use it to lure people towards massaging this mess.

When you realize that you're part #stegosaurus #spine #spasm #scoliosis #bodyfail

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I think I’m about two pregnancies and a hefty weight gain from being disabled… Hopefully 😉

Who doesn't love a good welfare joke eh...

Who doesn’t love a good welfare joke eh…

Instead I gave half of it away to my pregnant BFF, and half to my stepdad who refuses to drink water. When I showed it to him he started rubbing it all over his upper body, and appeared uplifted.

I need a shorter and more succinct name than Lavender Black Pepper and Clove Herbal Salve to Calm and Relax Marika’s Battered Turtle Shell of Soreness. Also doesn’t need to be so specific I guess. Suggestions are encouraged!!

Alright now for the funny story tie in. The recipe calls for beeswax and MomButts just happened to still have a chunk of beeswax that I must have given to her during one of my stints working at something-something-bees (somehow frankness and employment don’t always mix). I can’t even remember all the people I’ve given random hunks of hive to, there was lots of it laying around without honey or brood in it. She happened to have the perfect amount, too.

Beeswax candle

A post shared by Marika Vancity (@parsnipitty) on

A post shared by Marika Vancity (@parsnipitty) on

Something about the perfect design of the comb is kind of arty, isn’t it.

One of my best beekeeping stories is of when I got stung on the nose. Now, not only does National Geographic agree that getting stung on the nose entails some serious facial nerve pain that is worse than being stung on yo dick, but I also swell up like Hulk on a methamphetamine binge while looking at a bunch of assholes wearing stupid costumes. Not just to bee stings, to any bug bite.

Reminiscing about that time I grew horns for Bee Day #ohGodwhy #mosquitobites

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So you can imagine my trepidation when, after walking away from my coworkers and animal-calling to the universe, I take off my gloves to promptly get stung 3 more times on my hands and arms and find the stinger still in my nose. After about 20 seconds, that thing has released all the butt juice that it’s going to and so without further ado, a montage of my life for the next couple of days.

 

The resemblance to Kim Jong Il is truly uncanny, if I do say so myself. That indented line is just from wearing glasses normally because I couldn't peel back my eyelids enough to insert contacts.

The resemblance to a young Kim Jong Il (RIP) is truly uncanny, if I do say so myself. That indented line is just from wearing glasses normally because I couldn’t peel back my eyelids enough to insert contacts.

The best comment I got was that I looked like an Avatar from that 3D movie.

The best comment I got was that I looked like an Avatar from that 3D movie.

The worst was just the horrified looks as polite strangers pretended that this was alright.

The worst was just the horrified looks as polite strangers pretended that this was alright.

Derp.

Derp. More ice on my whole face, please.

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